It is finally sinking in. Today I start the countdown on my last 30 days at my work place (well 22 if you discount the weekends!) before I head out for a one year sabbatical. The place has pretty much been my second home for the last four years. After three office moves and four role changes, and after having worked with seven bosses and countless colleagues, it is hard to imagine that I will miss the “action” for the next one year. The pain and anxiety of leaving the “safe and secure” environment of the office which I have seen grow from 3 people to 160 odd is suddenly weighing on me.
As it sinks in that I will be away for a year (or maybe more) everything in the office looks good and exciting. The office building that I loved to hate till recently looks beautiful, my cabin and work station which always seemed too inappropriate (too large, or too crowded, or too cold, or too hot; depending on my mood) looks good and comfortable, the office lunch (really unpalatable at times) suddenly tastes good, the window that I sit next to (my window to the world – Gurgaon in my case) which I always complained was too much of a distraction seems like a blessing, my work which I sort of always liked seems even more interesting and fulfilling!! And, all this makes me tentative and unsure about my idea of taking a one year break from work (which till recently I thought was grand and very forward-looking at my age).
Also, as I prepare to head out of Gurgaon for a year (hopefully), a town (and a very chaotic one) which has been my home for six years now, I am strangely beginning to enjoy little nuances ("nuisances" till very recently) that it has to offer -- little walks to the chaotic and crowded local bazaars, spending time at the shopping malls (which I used to hate till recently!), watching movies at the several almost-always-packed theatres (I hated that too), and the crowded park where my wife and I go for morning/evening walks.
Suddenly my grand idea of a sabbatical to do something different – studying, starting a Web community on clean energy, writing on renewable energy – does not seem that smart to me! Or is it my nerves, I don’t know!
It is crazy that when you are looking forward to something for such a long time, a one year break from work in my case, it is strange that you feel sort of intimidated, unsure, confused, tentative, when you finally get it. I think god has designed mortals to almost always run after something or the other, and when there is nothing to run after (only briefly till you identify the next thing that takes your fancy) the human mind is confused. I am going through that emotion at the moment. And, I hope I handle it well.
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2 comments:
very intresting obsrvation of the human psychology and emotions. i am sure that after your return from ahembdabad everything would come back to normal.
Sunil - Very well put. It is very true that the things you get so used to (and so begin to find flaws with over time), tend to look more and more attractive just before you leave them. Uncertainity is the hallmark of transition - but here is another principle that I try to follow in such situations - "you are always better off having *done something* than living giving excuses for not having done it"...
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